A Part of My Heart Stayed Behind

This past weekend, I embarked on a journey that would seem to be fraught with emotion. The thing is, it wasn't. I felt a wide range of emotions, but mostly a profound sense of nostalgia. I packed up my vehicle for a 7-8 hour trip to take one of my most precious possessions, my firstborn, mini-me, to begin her college career. She aspires to be a female Anthony Bourdain--her words not mine. In actuality, her plans include  becoming a chef, restaurateur, food blogger, and world class traveler who eats and critiques her  way through  as many countries  as she can. 

All I kept thinking is that this newly minted adult would be on her own making life choices and decisions without me  intervening. Don't mis-read this....I  am not a hover mother but I am an involved opinionated parent. In my mind, my daughter would always be the wide-eyed baby that came out of the womb looking around, with a sense of wisdom and wonder. She has transformed into a lovely young lady. She's intelligent, tenacious, and also opinionated. I have prepared her to soar. I have instilled prayer, integrity and high values in her.  Now it's her time. There will be ups and downs, trials and tribulations, triumphs and failures but she knows  that in most cases, there can be do-overs and makeovers, there are plan Bs,Cs,...and Zs. More importantly, she is keenly aware that she has me and a huge support system that will get her through any life issue or crisis. She knows that though she may disappoint at times, she is loved  unconditionally and that our support is unwavering. 

Times have changed since I was a college student  bright with promise. Things are definitely more liberal. Yet I have prayed and cried and cried and prayed over this child. I think she will hold fast to her convictions and will not be easily swayed y her peers. I pray she makes wise choices and does the right thing. These four years are going to really shape the person she will ultimately become. Her choices in life are not a reflection of how well  I did or did  not parent. 

No matter what choices may come and what reservations or fears that I may have, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has written EVERY one of her days and while I may not  be there, He is ALWAYS there.  It's time for her to completely trust Him to guide her through all of her days and give her wisdom when she faces challenges. It's time for  me to  relinquish the control I had over  His child-ever thankful that He trusted her to me for these past 17 years. It's time for me  to watch my baby really grow and soar to new heights. I am happy and excited, sad, and waiting in anticipation. While the parting was bittersweet, it was necessary. So there were no tears, just huge hugs and joy(and possibly pain) of the days to come as I left a big part of my heart in Providence, RI.

In Diva Love,

Pam

Happy Mother's Day

Today is the day we celebrate the woman who gave us life. That person is usually our first love. Parenting is never easy. So no matter how you feel or what you think your mom failed to do, she is a woman who deserves your honor today.

That being said, if you are a mother who is not being celebrated or honored in the way you deserve, let me remind you that you are important. Your love and care of your child will impact future generations. God chose you to shape and form your child. Some of you are not birth parents but you still parent. Your role is no less important. So today, I salute you. Whether your importance is recognized or not, God sees all and knows all. He loves you for all you have done and will do. He sees your tears and heartaches, He sees your trials and victories. Happy Mother's Day!

In Diva Love,

Pam

On Motherhood

As I am celebrated and celebrate the one day that is set aside for what I feel tends to be a thankless but rewarding job, I can't help but smile. Motherhood evokes so many raw emotions, everyday, all day. I have a great mom and I love her to death. She raised my brother and I alone. Fortunately, she had a lot of support from her parents and other immediate family members. We had good times and bad as I grew up. Thankfully today, I consider my mom a true friend. She loves me unconditionally. She encourages me. She respects me. We really enjoy each others company. All of those things go both ways. I am very blessed that I have a grandmother who is living. She will be 98 years old in a couple of weeks. Words can't even express the love I have in my heart for her. She has taught all of us so much and she still imparts her wisdom with a quiet dignity and strength that we don't see very often these days.

I have two awesome children. They have grown and stretched me in ways I never thought possible. I love them with all of my heart. I have dreamed a million dreams for them. Yet, I know the best any mom can do is equip her child with all the proper tools to get through this journey called life. Hopefully through the things I teach them and the experiences that I provide, they will turn out to be conscientious individuals who positively impact the society they live in. I hope and pray they will choose their spouses wisely and that they will raise other little people who will carry on a family legacy of love, respect, and all those other positive things that make a difference in life. Only God knows the future, our role is to pray that our will can line up with His. Whatever you think you know just might change once you have children. My favorite time of day is dinner. It is when my children talk the most. I have found that no matter how much I teach them what I want them to know, they are still individuals with their own ideas and opinions. They make me laugh and yes they also make me wanna holler. I am thankful for them. God has a sense of humor and that is why He gave us children. 

There are many women in my life who have not given birth but they nurture and care for children as aunts, grandmothers, and godparents. Some are teachers and others are just caregivers by nature. As a mom, I'm very thankful for them too. Sometimes your children need those people when they can't get through to you. Every child needs an advocate and confidante. Sometimes I need them for a reality check or a very different but thoughtful opinion. So whether you have children or not, if you are a woman and impact any child, Happy Mother's Day to you! You are fabulous! You are blessed!

I would be remiss if I didn't point out that on this very special Mother's Day, I am celebrating in a very bittersweet way. Seven years ago, my dad was called to his heavenly home after a short bout with prostate cancer. Time goes quickly but there is a void in my heart and in our family. I suspect that my sister's baby who is due in August is going to remind us most of him. I know he would be proud of all of us and he would champion each of us in our endeavors. So...R.I.P. Gerald William Cole, Sr. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you and don't wish you were a part of whatever is going on in our lives. I know you are in Heaven and I know you are smiling down on each of your children. So in your words, "Life to the fullest, no regrets!"

In Divalicious celebration,

Pam

Mommy Blahs #1

I have a headache as I type this blog. My oldest child is 14 and she is a Freshman in high school. She is a very intelligent young lady whose goal appears to be excelling in underachievement. You'd have to understand that my hubby is the consummate overachiever and I simply don't settle for mediocrity. God has challenged me with both of my children. they love life and everything about it but they aren't pressed about making a statement and leaving their marks. OMG! I was a busy in  high-school and college. I was NOT an A student, in fact, I was an average student. I did however participate in any and everything. My husband was #2 in his class and he too was a busy student. My kids are content to sit back and chill. Lawd, this entitlement generation is going to give me a coronary. We are miffed because nothing in us has prepared us for handling this.

I don't want to impose my agenda on my children but I know it is my role as a parent to spur them to greatness. My daughter has the ability to be an A student. She is lazy and hates to study. She is NOT interested in participating in any activities. My issue is this, if you aren't super busy with activities, you have to be an awesome student. Hubby and I are ranting about being well rounded for college applications and you know what? It is frustrating as all get out! She doesn't get it and we can't make her. Anyhoo, God has shown me yet another area of specific prayer! Pray for me and my children! I keep telling my kids to tap into their God-given power. Them being afraid of their power limits their friends. I think they need to spur their friends to greatness. and vice versa.  It is stressful when you see things in people that they fail to see in them selves. Don't get me wrong, there are adults who suffer from this but children still have more hope and potential to impact their niche.

Okay, I think I am over it now! Well not really! Thank goodness for God's grace and mercy. More importantly, for His plan. He has mapped out a future for both my children. No level of underachievement will keep them from doing that which He has for them to do. That nugget is keeping me sane right now. Thanks for allowing me to rant on what for most bloggers is Wordless Wednesdays! Love you guys!

In Kicking & Screaming Diva Love,

Pam :)

Are You Really Mine?

Have you ever looked at your children or the children in your life and wondered where the hell they came from? Well I have been having those moments quite often lately. My children make me scratch my head in wonder. They are opinionated. They are fearless. They have ideas and values that don't line up with what we have taught them. Who are these minis and where did they come from? Are they really mine or did the hospital send me home with the wrong babies?

All I can say is this happens more and more frequently. It makes me shudder and step up my prayer life. I am preparing these children and eventually they are gonna be unleashed on the world. Will they be viable productive contributors to society? It is part of my daily thought life.

The story of the Prodigal Son gives me hope. Right now, I wouldn't classify my children as prodigals but the possibility exists that they could one day fall into this category. Some of the words that escape their lips scare me. Yet, I remain hopeful. Why? Because the Bible tells me so. Proverbs 22:6 states, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (NKJV)

We as parents, aunts, uncles, godparents or grandparents can only impart wisdom and knowledge. We must do it consistently and continuously. Hopefully, when our babies lose their minds, as they inevitably will, they will always be drawn back to the solid lessons and foundation that you have raised them upon. Eventually, they will be productive members of society. You have to do your part and let God handle the rest. After all, it is all His business, not ours. Till next time, smile and bless someone else!!

Copyright October 12, 2011 by Pamela Cole Thorpe

Are You a Punk Parent?

Punk parents allow their children to control them. The children dominate and dictate way too much of the ebb and flow of the home. This leads to them thinking that the world revolves around them. In our home, punishments are not negotiable. We set the punishment and that is that. Spanking still happens in our home too. It drives the seriousness of the issue home quickly despite it not being a popular option in today's society. My thoughts are that I turned out all right and so will my kids. My mom did not hesitate to spank me. The notion of time outs was non existent.

Parenting is a full time job and it is not easy for any of us. My goal as a parent is to raise respectful, hard-working individuals of high moral fiber/character, who have a strong sense of spirituality, and have a sense of charity. While I like there to be open communication, we are not friends. We can be, once they are adults but for now, it ain't happening. My husband and I set the boundaries and expectations. Most of them are NOT negotiable. We have consequences for negative actions and we do attempt to choose our battles wisely. I think there are instances in which we could be tougher but overall we aren't wimpy parents. Our moms might not agree but we are dealing with a different set of issues with this generation.


We tell our children "NO!" often and we try not to be inconsistent in our dealings with them. They are looking for those inconsistencies so they can use them to their advantage. We are not afraid to go against the status quo. The worst reason my kids can use, is to tell me that "so and sos mom let's them do" whatever. Who gives a darn what everyone else is doing! I certainly don't.


There are a plethora of books written on how to raise your children. I am no expert. We learn by trial and error. What works for one kid doesn't work for the other, especially in my house. My kids have very different temperaments and attitudes so parenting them is a challenge. To them, nothing seems fair when it comes to disciplining the other. My explanation is that life isn't fair and what better place to learn that than at home where the people love and care for you. Yea, that goes over real well. NOT!

Bottom line, Kids need discipline. Studies have shown that kids who don't receive it feel as if their parents really don't love them. The Bible says, "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.  The rod of correction will drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22: 15 NKJV) See children are foolish, and as parents,  is our job to move them from the point of foolishness to a place of wisdom. Even as adults we have rules to follow and it is not dependent upon our emotions or peers. Times are showing that parents have to step up to the plate and control their children. You have to stay in their business and their friends' business too. Disrespectful children turn into disrespectful adults.

We are in a time where morals have taken a backseat and values seem to be taking a dive. You only have eighteen good years to parent your child and you have a lifetime after that to become their friend. Don't waste the opportunity to shape and mold your child. Children don't stray far from the moral compass you set for them. If they do, they will eventually veer back on track. Punk parents are selling their children out. Those children run the risk of becoming statistics. Certainly, America doesn't need anymore of those.  So you MUST set that moral compass. Do your thankless job. I have to admit that on many days it really is thankless but I know that I will see the reward of my labor in the future. I only have to ask my mom to know this to be true. Find what works best for your home but don't let your kids run you or run amuck. It is never too late to flip the tables and reclaim your God given right to rule. The time is now and the challenge has been issued. What are you gonna do? Your child's future is at hand. Don't punk out! Till the next time....Ciao!

Copyright June 24, 2010 by Pamela Cole Thorpe

Happy Mother's Day

Tomorrow we celebrate Mothers as we do every second Sunday in May. It is fitting that I honor the woman who made me who I am. Ernestine B. Cole, this post is for you. I just want to let you know that I love you and cherish our relationship. Who'd a thunk that we'd become such great friends who respect and admire each other so much? At 15 and 16, I couldn't see that this would be our existence. I know I gave you the hardest time and I wasn't even a wild child. You did your best and I think Gerald and I turned out to be great individuals.

You instilled in us the greatest values and character traits. I am grateful for the time you invested playing Scrabble, which is both Gerald and my favorite game to this day, baking cookies(I still love those darn Nestle's Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookies), and doing the regular things that good mommies do. I appreciate the fact that though divorced from my dad(RIP), you never bashed him but let us determine our own feelings for him ourselves.

We are not the same, but each day, I realize how much more like you that I am becoming. Funny as a kid, we think we never want to be like our parents but alas, one day we look up and it is exactly who we've become. I only pray that I took the bests parts of what you taught me to instill in Chanté and DJ. I just wish they had the opportunity to grow up closer to you. I really enjoyed living next door to Nanno and Grandpa(RIP). The experience was priceless. I took it for granted but now I see how important and how much of an impact it was to have as much as your village around you as possible. They filled a void and stood in the gap when you needed a helping hand.

Mom, there is a lot that I could say but you know how I feel. You gave me the gift of life and for that alone I love you. You taught me to be be independent as well as how to be a survivor. You taught me the importance of being a good communicator and the gift of encouraging other people. You made the necessary sacrifices to invest quality time in our relationship. Though there were ups and there were downs, we came through it all. As an adult, I am glad to call you a friend. You are still a woman that I admire and respect. You don't meet a person you will not remember and your gift of gab always shines through. You come from strong stock and I know that has been given to me.

Though time and distance, as well as life responsibilities keep us apart, I know that I can always call on you and that you will always be here for me. Whether I need an ear to listen or little advice to get by, I know that I can count on you. We've weathered some storms and there is no other person with whom I can let my hair down and just be me. I like that you don't pry into my marriage or criticize my parenting skills. You uplift and encourage every step of the way. Continue to be the sweet spirit that you are. I know you've sacrificed much and sometimes received little in return. God will honor and bless you! With all my love and from my heart to yours, Mommy, I salute you! I hope you have the bet day ever. You deserve it. I know the best gift of all is if we were all there to celebrate it with you.

I can't do a Mother's Day post without giving a shout out to my Grandmother, Nanno. Without her, none of us would be who we are. She is a proud woman with a quiet reserve. She is humble and giving and she is full of wisdom. She has borne hurts and stresses without becoming downtrodden or mean spirited. I love her as much as I love my mother. She values her dysfunctional family and she wants us to be aware of our family history. She definitely embraces ambition and independence Happy Mother's Day, Nanno. I love you too!

To the Mothers to be, start praying now for wisdom and throw all your preconceived notions out of the window. A new baby will teach you more about yourself than you will teach them in the beginning. To all the Mothers, Grandmothers, Godmothers, aunts, sisters, step moms, mother in laws, sisters, cousins, foster moms, teachers, and moms by default may you continue to nurture and encourage the children entrusted to you. This generation needs every single one of you and then some. God bless you all and have a relaxing Mother's Day!

Copyright May 8, 2010 by Pamela Cole Thorpe

Happy Birthday, Chante!!!!

Twelve years ago today, I gave birth to my first child. It was a beautiful winter day and snow was falling from the sky. Labor began around 5:45 AM with my water breaking. I felt no contractions whatsoever. Dmitri and I knew we were having a girl and we had already decided that she would be named Chante Aliya. Let me just say that labor is work but the fruit of labor is worth every moment.

Chante's birth was interesting, to say the least. I had a very close group of friends and Chante was really the first birth in our little circle. Dmitri was adamant that no one would be present in the delivery room. Yea, well that went out of the window rather quickly. While I won't bore you all with the details, Chante was born at 5:12 PM weighing over 7.5lbs about 20 inches long. Present at her birth were several of my closest friends who helped get me through the birthing process and who have and will impact both Chante and I for many years to come. Chante came out of the womb and just looked around. No tears, just wide eyed and bushy-tailed with a head full of hair and very fat cheeks. My very wise grandmother said, "She's going to be something, that's just a sign." Yea, well Nanno is hardly ever wrong, so like Mary, mother of Jesus, I pondered that, in my heart.

Chante is something. She is an old soul in many ways. She accepted Jesus Christ as her Personal Savior at the young age of four. She requested to be baptized several months later. She is perceptive. She is unique in her sense of style and personality. She is outspoken and articulate. That runs in her genes. She is very stubborn and always wants things to go her way. Chante is asthmatic but never lets that interfere with her zest for life. Chante has the potential to be a leader. She has the gift of gab and her friends seem to look to her for guidance. Chante is unaware of her magnetism and potential. She is keenly aware that Dmitri and I have very high expectations for her and her brother. My desire is for her to realize the potential and not be afraid to use her influence in a positive way. I keep telling her it will liberate her and her friends from conforming to the status quo.

I could go on and on about my daughter. I love her from the bottom of my heart. She has brought me joy and pain. She makes me smile and laugh. I am amazed at her fierce determination and her conviction about things she is passionate about. Yes, she is a fickle, hormonal tween, but she can also be a loving big sister who is very competitive. She will impact the world, about that, I have no doubt. For now, I am enjoying watching her grow up and become a young woman. I hope that her faith in God, her sheer loquaciousness, and her extreme determination will carry her far and open doors for her. She has big dreams and knowing her like I do, NOTHING will stand in her way. So today, with a grateful heart, I say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Chante, My sweet child. May God bless you today and always, and May He smile richly upon your future!"

Copyright December 27, 2009 by Pamela Cole Thorpe

Weekend Plans

I am going camping with the Girl Scouts. Pray for me. I am not a camping kinda girl. I do love my daughter. I also love her troop leader. She's one of my good girlfriends. Thank goodness, my daughter and her troop thinking camping equals bonding, not bonfires. They want to work on a photography badge and prepare their own meals. That, sandwiched between them doing their nails and watching as many movies as possible constitutes their idea of a great camping experience. Lucky for me, I can handle that. Have a wonderful weekend everyone. Don't spend too much money, January bills arrive much faster than you think!

Copyright December 4, 2009 by Pamela Cole Thorpe

Parenting

Ask any parent and you know parenting ain't easy. It has its share of ups and downs. Emotions run deep and wide and high and low. It is a monumental task, not for the faint of heart. It is always a work in progress.

I love my children. Often, they take me places I really don't want to go. They challenge and inspire me in ways I never thought possible. They make me laugh and yes they make me cringe. As much as I want them to represent me in a favorable way, I don't want them to be little mini-mes. I want them to be independent thinkers who impact the world in great ways, and small.

No parent wants to raise a child molestor, murderer, or crack addict. Hopefully all parents do the best they can. Parenting doesn't come with a handbook. Parenting takes stamina. You deal with upgrades, downgrades, and everything in between. You are working against peer pressure, entitlement, childhood rights, and so many other things. Sometimes good parents raise bad ass children. Children make disappointing choices. That doesn't make you a poor parent. 


There are no longer villages to assist you on the journey. Your parents may not live nearby. We no longer live in the same neighborhood for years and years where people have each others back...you may not even know your neighbor's name. Yet, it really still takes a village to raise a child. Sometimes, your baby needs someone they can talk to and depend on, that's not you. They still need someone to trust. You need someone you trust, to be there for your child in those harrowing moments that they "hate you and you don't understand the complications of being 11, 14, or 17." You can't be everything to your child all the time. It's just not possible.

One of the most important things you do as a parent is discipline your child. You have to set boundaries but you also have to foster an environment where they learn, think and grow independently. My friends and I discuss discipline all the time. Another controversial issue...to spank or not. Whatever your choice, you need to make sure you are parenting your own values, not society's. What I mean is, some things are more important than others. Example, do you fuss at your children for running around the store at the mall because it is really irritating to you or do you fuss because you see how everyone in the mall is looking at you for having unruly children? Sometimes, we discipline for things that might not be important because of the expectations of others.  I shared this with a dear friend of mind and she agreed that often she fussed at her kids because she was concerned about what people might think about her as a parent. Personally, once I freed myself of that pressure, things worked better for me and my children. I have to parent based on what I believe is important and not worry about how you judge me.

What is the legacy that I leave for my children? Will I recover if they do something so out there that I am ashamed to show my face in public? Will they impact they world for the better? or worse? Whatever the future holds, I know this to be true...Parenting is a gift. Sometimes you like it and sometimes you don't. Occasionally you want to trade it in for something else. You can't re-gift your kids. We don't chose our children and they don't choose us. God gives us all exactly what we need. Each day is a new day to do better for you and them. My advice to you, mother or father...do your best, model the best, and give your all. Leave the rest up to God. Til next time, enjoy your weekend!

Copyright October 23, 2009 by Pamela Cole Thorpe