A Beautiful Wedding Does not a Beautiful Marriage Make

Every little girl dreams, at some time, of her wedding day. Little girls are filled with the dreams of riding off into the sunset with their Prince Charming or Knight in Shining Armor. We plan that day long before we have someone to plan it with. We dream of an elaborate celebration where we are the cutest bride ever in the most fabulous dress. Our friends, indulge our fantasies. Shoot, they're stuck in their own. My friend, Mina is really the catalyst for this blog, she once said, "Everyone asks you about your wedding plans but no one tells you about being married."

Mina is right. There are things that folks conveniently forget to tell you. Marriage isn't easy and the road ain't always smooth. The key is finding someone you enjoy enough to go down it with you. You can't change a person and they can't make you a better person. If you have been abused prior to marriage, chances are extremely high that you will be abused again. If you were cheated on once, chances are you will be cheated on again. If he/she is doesn't pick up after themselves, they probably won't after the wedding either. If they drink excessively, they probably still will.


Having been married for 13 years now, I can say that finances have to be the #1 reason folks argue, break up and divorce. Merging and managing money is not easy. If I can give any advice, try to resolve this issue early on and be honest about it.  Don't let money ruin a good relationship. Communicate your fears and your shortcomings. Get godly counsel on the matter.

As a matter of fact, don't marry without extremely sound godly marital counseling. Let me repeat my self: GET PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING!!  A neutral third party is good to get you both to explore all kinds of issues. For better or worse could be a really long time, so you need to be prepared. If you and your pastor are tight, you might want them to recommend someone else so that you are not cheated out of this valuable experience. You don't want them to think "oh we know you so" and then gloss over some key issues. That is a major disservice to you and your fiance. You need to discuss money, cheating, sex, parents getting sick/old, hell, you getting sick old, unable to work or do for yourself. Can the person handle all that if you wound up in an unforseen situation?

Sex may be the other hot topic within the union. This is another area where you need to be open and honest. I am convinced the God was wise when He did not want us to have sexual relations before marriage. Hey, I thought I was smart and jumped out there before marriage. The longer I stay married the more I know that my body is a temple and it should've been the gift I gave only to my hubby. I should have expected the same in return. There is something to be said about being able to learn and grow together instead of coming to the marriage bed filled with expectations born out of other relationships. Those expectations can be a hindrance to the marriage bed which is supposed to be undefiled.(ref: Hebrews 13:4)  It is really supposed to be special. Let's face it, what other relationship represents Christ and His Bridegroom, the Church? None! So go head and put those inhibitions aside and be the freak your hubby needs you to be....Good girl days are over.....yous married now(Color Purple flashback).

Finally, leave the third party out of the equation. You can't tell your mom, girlfriend, or family everything. You will have bared your soul because you were pissed off about something and then forgive your boo and your peeps will still be angry and upset with him. That might be a problem. Also, single friends can't help married  friends solve marital problems. They are in a different space. There is a reason for "leaving and cleaving." (ref: Matthew 19:4-6)  Don't be confused, I do have married friends and I do discuss married issues with them but not everything. Some things simply need to be taken to Jesus and Jesus alone.

My friend Mina always says, "Start the way you want to finish." It really is good advice. When things are fresh and new you want to be together and tell them everything before you tell everyone else. You still need to maintain that freshness even if you've been married for years. It always makes me smile when I see elderly couples who clearly enjoy being in each other's presence. It makes me so happy and makes my heart feel good. That all comes with work. Work, in the form of carving out date time or time to connect, where you shut out the rest of the world or even your children. You have to create special little rituals that make sense to you and your mate and cause each other to feel special. Nothing worth having comes easy.

Communication is very important but having fun and growing together has to be worth the journey, so pick your mate wisely. Prayer is also essential, sometimes just telling Jesus will make it all right. Finally, if you get to the wedding date and you know you are making a mistake, call the wedding off. Everything is paid for, party like it is 1999. Yep, I said it....call it off!  Yes, it will be somewhat embarrasing but it would be more heart wrenching to spend your life knowing that you could've stopped the train wreck before it started. So what if people are gonna talk, they are gonna do it anyway. Better a moment's embarrasment than a lifetime of regret. It does happen!

Copyright: September 18, 2009 by Pamela Cole Thorpe