Thursday, October 28, 2010

My Roles, Defined

Hey Y'all...My last post was about who I am as a person. I left some stuff out but if you follow me, you probably have a fairly decent grasp of some things that I failed to mention. I mentioned that we aren't defined by what we do. We all have roles, and today, I thought I'd share some of those with you. So not only will you know who I am as a person but also what roles I play in my life.


I am a Child of God. As such, it is my responsibility to live a life pleasing to Him. If I can achieve that daily, everything else should fall in to place. I also have a duty to share the love of Christ with others and the fact that he died on the cross to save sinners and we are all sinners in need of a Saviour. I am working on the sharing part.


I am a wife. I married one of my best friends almost 15 years ago. I wrote a post on Dmitri in May. I love that man and I expect to grow old with him. Our marriage has had its share of ups and downs. I am no quitter and we fight daily to maintain the love we have for each other. Satan would like nothing better than to destroy the one relationship that Christ chose to reflect His with the church.


I am a mother, a Stay at Home one at that. Lawd, Lawd, Lawd! That has to be one of the most stressful roles entrusted to me. Chante and Dmitri II are two of the greatest gifts that God blessed me with. They drive me nuts. They make me laugh and cry and scream. At the end of the day, I simply want to raise God-fearing, healthy children who can function well in life. I want them to make good decisions and respect others and I want them to impact their community for the better. Encompassed in this role are several others: motivational speaker, chauffeur, psychologist, maid, chef, event planner, doctor, lawyer, and keeper of things. I'm sure I left some role out but you get the idea. I can't believe that I used to work full time and still do all these things. Ahh but I am a woman, an African-American woman, and we have done this since the beginning of time. The trick is to learn to not forget me in the midst of all the other roles.


I am a daughter(and a grand-daughter). My mom and my 96 year old grandma are the greatest influences in my life. I feel both of them have impacted my life for the best. They have equipped me to be a survivor no despite the circumstances that come my way. My mom raised my brother, Gerald and I, with little money and a whole lot of family support. She instilled great values and pride in both of us. She raised us to be independent and resilient. She encouraged us to embrace our family, speak up, and remain true to our beliefs. My grandmother is quiet but very wise. She made things happen without being overbearing and she always reminded me to trust God and pray. She taught me that we can have peace even when things aren't going well.


I am a sister. I love my siblings. I wished I lived closer to my crazy brother. His life is undergoing a serious change and I am very happy to see that happen. I just wish I could witness it up close and personally. I live close to my half sister. There is a 12 year difference in our ages and we did not grow up in the same house(or state for that matter). We are not as close as I would like us to be. Perhaps with time all things will change...I might eventually live closer to Gerald and I might eventually be closer to Stephanie. My father's wish was that we would be close and remain that way.


I am a friend. I love my friends. I have been blessed with a diverse, unique, and dynamic group of women who pray for me, encourage me, and love me for who I am. Every friendship has its own flavor but I wouldn't trade any of the women in my life. They each influence me to do better and be better. I can laugh, cry, eat, and drop my basket with almost everyone of them. I trust them and I value their opinions. Some of them are the sister I didn't have growing up. Shout outs to Sonja, Rose, Dana, Nikki, Jai, Tracie, Dorna, Monica C, Carlene, Monique, Mina, and Jeanine. Each of you hold a very special place in my heart. This list is by no means representative of all the friendships that I maintain.  I don't wish to offend anyone who is my friend and does not appear on this list, but with the exception of four of these names, every one of the women has been in my life for over 20 years. The other four women have come into my life in the past 5 years and have greatly impacted me for the better. I am most transparent with these women and yes, they do convict and challenge me when I am in a fit of craziness. :) I thank God for them daily because they have stood with me through the good, the bad, and especially the ugly. Some folks don't have one good friend so I know that it is a blessing to have several.


I am a niece, a cousin, an aunt, and a sister in law. I have a lot of family. I don't live near most of them and I hate that I am missing out on seeing some of them grow or experiencing a true relationship not hindered by e-mail, Facebook, or even text messages. My kids will probably not have close relationships with a lot of their family because they are scattered all over the United States. We need family reunions all around. My family is very supportive of me and my children despite our distance.


I am a blogger. If you are reading this, you know I have a purpose for developing and writing this blog. SN: this role could encompass the fact that I am a repressed English teacher and a future author. Blogging has been a good outlet for me.


I am a foodie. I love good food! It is one of the things my hubby and I have in common. My favorite foods are crab cakes, macaroni and cheese, peach cobbler, and ice cream. I like good chocolate and I love tea. I don't do much coffee. I like to cook and bake. I am a Pepsi lover and I like vodka or rum if alcohol is involved. By the way, I make an excellent daiquiri(sangria too).


I am a bibliophile. I love, love, love to read. Yep, I said it before and I will continue to say it again and again...Reading is fundamental. Books are easy to find and you can borrow them from the library. Translation, it is a free habit(cheap, cheap, cheap). You need a recommendation, I have posted a couple of book lists and I have mentioned several of my absolute favs in previous blogs.

Well that covers the basics. I could go on and on. Like most of you, I wear several hats every day. I try to do every one of them to the best of my God given ability. Embrace the life you live.  Roles are just that, a part you play in the journey of life. They change daily, some are permanent and some are temporary. God doesn't give us more than we can bear so wherever you are and whatever station, that you are in, stay the course. Your role does not define the essence of who you are. Till next time, think about who you are as well as the roles that you play. There is a difference, you know. Have a lovely weekend!

Copyright by Pamela Cole Thorpe on October 28, 2010

Friday, October 22, 2010

I am Who I Am

Someone asked me to define who I was. You know, it really isn't a difficult task  for me. I am in my fabulous forties and I am more than comfortable in my own skin. I am very self aware and I want to be the best(pick a role) _________ that I can be. I want to also constantly evolve and to always be whole, not damaged by the circumstances of my past. I think I am consistent in my character and if you know me, what you see is what you get. Well, not really, like most people, I am complicated but my essence, my core, is consistent.

Pamela, that is me. I have so many roles but that is not what I'm defining. People, remember you are not defined by what you do. That is a lesson that should be learned really early on. It is sad to see someone struggle to define them self when they can't tell you what they do. Your job tells me nothing about who you are as a person. It is easy to put a laundry list of roles out there but that gives no indication of your character or integrity.

So here goes. Pamela is a grown woman. I love the Lord. I am a sinner saved by grace who is trying to improve spiritually each and every day. I am not preachy but I try to live a life walking in faith that God will do everything that He promises in His Word. I don't understand everything He does but I trust that it will all work out for good. I am trying to raise my children to stand on and rest in His promises.

I love to laugh and make people laugh. I love to feed people. I love to cook. Right now, I am not in a space to be the hospitable person I used to be. It bothers me to some extent. I love people. I am loyal to my friends. I have high expectations of them too. I am opinionated. I have learned to be more tactful than I was in my twenties. I dispense advice and I try to be as politically correct as possible. I am deliberate in trying to do the right thing. I love hard and I  expect to be loved hard and with fierce loyalty. My moral integrity is pretty high. I don't do things to people that I wouldn't want done to me. I hate violence and malicious nastiness.  SN: if I have ever hurt you, it wasn't intentional. Accept my sincere apology.

I HATE liars. Honesty is the best policy even though truth often hurts. I'd prefer you tell me nothing rather than lie to me. I am an extrovert and I have a very discerning spirit. I value my family. No matter what happens, it really is all you have. Despite dysfunction and everything, a family should be able to come together and put their differences aside. There is a reason we are not supposed to go to bed angry and that we are supposed to forgive others. I believe that we need to go back to the concept of it taking a village to raise a child. We need to stop being self contained and reach out to others.

I used to trust easily but now I have had enough life experience that I am a tad more cynical. I say what I have to say and I move on. I don't hold grudges. Life really is too short to sweat the small stuff. God chooses to forget our offenses and we should do the same. I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I'd never cheat on my husband and am not pleased by those who do.

I am a procrastinator but it works for me and I always get what  need to get done by the deadline. Drives my husband crazy! I will put off unpleasant interactions especially if I know what I have to say is going to be detrimental or something that can't be recovered from. See, the truth really does hurt. I don't use people and I have a really hard time asking for help. I am a survivor, not of any disease r illness but by nature. I bounce back. I don't worry and I don't stress. I like my sleep, I only tend to get 6.5 hours or so a night so I can't let Satan keep me from the refreshing rest God has set aside for me. You know God does His best ministry in the quiet of night.

My love language is acts of service. Yes, it really does bless my heart if you do something for me. I love cards and I get ticked off if I receive one that does not match the relationship that we have.  I am proud of my heritage but I am not an authority on all things African American. I am extremely literate and have an excellent grasp of the King's English though I will use slang and even Ebonics from time to time. I am down to earth with a flair for some things trendy and all things nice. If you are going to do something do it right. Don't half step on your commitments and don't be cheap with your friends. Don't be selfish with your time, talent or gifts.  Change your words, you can change your destiny. If you can't change your words, change your thoughts. Most of all, prayer changes everything. We should all have scars on our knees, not our tongues. I am a positive individual who believes all things get better and the glass is always half full. So that's it. I think I covered the gamut. In the famous words of Popeye, "I AM WHO I AM!" Love me or leave me. Don't take me for granted!

Copyright by Pamela Cole Thorpe on October 22, 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Bullies...Whup Dat A--!!!

Dorna has a lot on her mind. The latest of which is bullying. The topic is in the news lately because of several suicides that have occurred as a result of such intolerable behavior. Sometimes parents have to take less than favorable stands on behalf of their children. Bullying is a coward's tactic. Enough of my opinion, this is Dorna's blog. Feel free to comment on Dorna's opinion.

Most of us heard the story of James Jones, the Florida father who stormed his 13 year-old cerebral palsy daughter’s bus to confront students who had been bullying her. Mr. Jones was arrested for his profanity laced outburst, for which he was released on $2000 bail and subsequently apologized. Mr. Jones’ behavior has been questioned and commented on with a resounding majority feeling he did the wrong thing for the right reason. Based on the comments I’ve read regarding the incident on CNN, !Yahoo News, and USA Today, people are very sympathetic to Mr. Jones’ reaction. Mr. Jones reacted as a father who has learned his daughter had been bullied for sometime; causing her to skip school to avoid her tormentors because she couldn’t deal with the problem. To make matters worse, the onset of the bullying began because she was defending someone else from bullying! I bet you Mr. Jones’ internal thought was “Ah hell naw!” I hazard to guess most parents would have a similar reaction.


My daughter is 17 years old in her senior year in Peachtree City, GA. Recently, she became embroiled in “girl drama” resulting in the breakdown of friendship between her and some of the “young ladies” (I use this term loosely). Lorin, realized the friendships were not true friendships and was okay with the loss. However, the “young ladies” began loud talking and taunting her on the bus and at school encouraging others to join in. It came to a head one afternoon, when they were to get off the bus and Lorin realized they were all walking toward our house to continue taunting and/or fight her. Lorin informed the bus driver that she was not getting off the bus and would get off at a different stop with another girlfriend and have me pick her up. The bus driver told her she had to get off there and could not get off at the other stop because she didn’t have a note. Lorin called me on her cell; the bus driver REFUSED to speak with me and continued to insist Lorin get off. Lorin refused and the bus driver eventually ended up turning the bus around and taking her (and everyone still on the bus) back to the school.


To say I was livid is an understatement!! I could not BELIEVE my child was being informed to head into harm’s way when she is asking for help from a supposedly responsible ADULT!! I have to say, God looked out for all involved that day, especially me!! He know if I had been at home (I had just started a new job that day), Mr. Jones’ behavior would have seemed mild in comparison to what would have occurred if I had showed up at Lorin’s bus stop!! As the kids say, it would have been on and popping!! As it is, I still want to cuss and smack the heck out of the girls, other students on the bus, and the bus driver!!


When my daughter arrived back at the school, she was able to see the principal and informed of her of what had occurred. The principal ordered Peer Mediation for the next day, but the “bullying” is still occurring. Even though I’ve met with one of the girl’s mother, the guidance counselor and spoken with two other administrators, things are still not right. Oh, and the bus driver, no action against her and I’m still waiting for a call back from the supervisor!! So, I have told my child ignore the heffas…I mean “young ladies”, however if they put their hands on her she is to “whup dat ass!!” She may not win, but let them know she’s not having it!! Now, I agree that violence doesn’t solve everything, but I think that’s the only language bullies understand!! Speaking in calm, rational tones will only incur more bullying. We know the major reasons bullies act as they do is because they are insecure about their own intelligence and place in the world. They are Satan’s minions in my estimation…they seek, kill, and destroy…another person’s self worth!!


I was not a bully growing up and was not a bullied. Bullying is as old as Cain and Abel, but I think it has moved to a more active level with the advent of some technology and the breakdown of civility in today’s society. I believe because we are no longer allowed to assist with “raising” each other’s children, the ability for bullies and children in general to get away with bad behavior has become more prevalent. Parents are not teaching good citizenship at home. Not to mention, TV and the Internet are not putting positive messages out on respectful behavior. The reality shows alone teach nothing but ignorance and disrespectfulness; to themselves and others.


As a parent, I have always taught Lorin to treat others with respect and courtesy; to have compassion for others. One of the things I have discovered as of late is that she doesn’t understand even if she isn’t the perpetrator of wrong to someone; laughing and/or saying nothing makes her just as complicit. It helps perpetuate bullying. Granted it may be funny to you, but it ceases to be funny when someone is hurt by the words and/or actions!! I have been trying to get her to see that she would not appreciate some of the things said if they were said to her!! She has to set an example by not reacting negatively and sometimes having to speak up for someone even when it’s not popular.


I totally empathize with Mr. Jones and have no issue with how he handled the situation. . I personally, feel Mr. Jones should be given an award and the tape of him “speaking” to the bullies be played to children all over the world!! The bus driver KNEW his daughter was being harassed. It’s her job to be aware of what’s going on and if she says she didn’t know, I have to say she’s lying. The school probably knew also and failed to take any action, probably because their hands are so tied with all of the legal crap they have to deal with to keep from being sued because they don’t want to infringe on upon some bad ass student’s right 30 years ago (maybe even 20) a parent having to involve themselves would have called for beatings all around. I don’t know about others, but if my mama came to the bus stop (or the school grounds), all involved would answer to her and THEN answer to their own parents. NOBODY would be sitting down for awhile!! Kudos to Mr. Jones in making sure his daughter’s tormentors were addressed!!

So how do we stop bullying? I go back to my battle cry “Elders take our village back”!! Don’t let the “rights” of children “bully” us (adults) into accepting bad and/or disrespectful behavior!! Be an example of good citizenship!! And most of all, PRAY… “correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction.” 2Timothy 4:2.

Copyright by Pamela Cole Thorpe on October 19, 2010

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Random

I haven't done a random post about me lately so I thought I'd post one for your reading pleasure.

1. Welcome back to the blogoshpere, Toot! That's my cuzzo who has a blog but has been ignoring neglecting it lately. She has not been neglecting her YouTube videos. You can check her out at http://www.handbagshairandheels.blogspot.com/ or view her videos under AKAKristin. You will defenitely be entertained!

2. My son has an African American teacher. He's in the 4th grade. This is relevant because I think it is important to have diversity, especially in schools. One, it validates him as a person. Two it affirms in him that he can be a teacher. SN: I am wishing for a male teacher because he hasn't seen one of them except in PE and music. Third, it lessens the chance that he will be subject to concious or unconcious stereotyping and bias. I could be wrong, but I know this is important.

3. I haven't worked out since July 4th. I feel guilty. I am not motivated. That's terrible because I was dedicated and lost a whole 25 pounds. I am happy to report that I've only gained back 3 of them. I am going to get back on the grind because I need to. Pray for me to get motivated.

4. I love Utz potato chips. If you don't live in the DMV, chances are you haven't had them. Take my word for it they are the best. For my Lays fans, don't even try to tell me I'm wrong.

5. I also love Jamocha Almond Fudge ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Gold Medal Ribbon and Strawberry Banana take second and third place respectively.

6. My happy places: a good praise and worship service, Barnes and Noble, the beach, Hallmark store, a good shoe store, and the library.

7. Music really does minister to me. My Ipod has some serious playlists to uplift one's soul.

8. Honeycrisp Apples are in season! PTL! Okay, I know I am talking about an apple here but seriously folks, those bad boys are some kinda good! They are the perfect sweet, tart, and crunch. Try one and you will agree. I have to warn you that Honeycrisps are a little more expensive but they are well worth it. Oh, you can't get them all year. Now is the time and if you are lucky, you can get them till about December. 8lb Honeycrisp Crate is $39.95 on Amazon, if you can't find them in your area.

9. If it is Autumn, then my favorite soda, other than Pepsi is also available. Cranberry Sierra Mist is awesome.

10. I am looking forward to seeing Tyler Perry's latest movie, due out Nov. 5. 2010. For Colored Girls is his adaptation of Ntozake Shange's acclaimed novel, For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf. Let's pray he does it justice. Sonja, don't forget, it is a date. Any of you out there feel free to join us.

As I review this post, I am cracking up. First, I am asking you all to pray for me to get back on the workout grind and then I proceed to talk about food for the majority of the remainder of the post. Go figure! Anyhoo, I am trying to get my mojo back. My daughter has been trying my patience and I have lots going on. I thank God that I am sane and can handle life's challenges. Teen girls are a trip and a half. I do have several blogs in my head and hopefully they will make it to post really soon! Till then, please bless someone and don't take the little things for granted! Peace!

Copyright by Pamela Cole Thorpe on October 17, 2010

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Out of the Doghouse

Cinnamon and Spike were our pets up until this morning. I have written about both of them in previous posts. They were both very loving loyal pets. My children loved them immensely. Their love however, didn't translate into them taking care of the dogs in a responsible way. 

I gave my children ample warning and several opportunities to prove that they were capable of loving and caring for the pooches. Let me put out this disclaimer....I never neglected the dogs at all. I was always clear that with the addition of a new pet, I was not going to bear the brunt of the care for a dog that I really didn't want. We have had Cinnamon since 2005 and she is a typical beagle, lazy and rather easy-going. She fit like a glove in our family. Last year, Spike became a member of our illustrious family, much to my dismay. I did not want another pet because I knew my family wouldn't be able to handle a high maintenance pet. Hubby vetoed my well thought-out, highly logical argument against the new addition. Let's just say, I always know best. Spike required more interaction than Cinnamon and the novelty of that neediness wore off really quickly. Spike was an American bulldog. As such, he needed to be walked daily and played with frequently. Yeah, that didn't happen!  It resulted in Spike amusing himself by way of chewing any and everything in his wake. Spike was like a curious child who destroyed items with a benign innocent nature.

As I stated before, both dogs were loving and loyal. Cinnamon loved any and everyone and could easily be satisfied with a good belly rub. She was pretty smart and quite sufficient. Don't play around and try to walk her too long in the heat. Cinnamon would sit down and look at you like you were the crazy one. Spike was not quite as open to strangers.  Spike was afraid of most people but warmed up pretty quickly to children. He would follow me all over the house, often getting in my way. I referred to Spike as a tough dumb jock of a dog. Sweet as pie but not a clue in the world.

Alas, we took them to a shelter. Yes, I felt bad! Yes, I was even sad. No, I would not miss the dilemma of what to do when we travel away for days at a time. Nor would I miss the high vet, food, and kennel bills. I won't miss the dog hair being all over my furniture. Pet ownership is NO joke!!!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It really is serious business. My children had meltdowns. They implored me to go back and get their dogs from the shelter. A sadness prevailed in our house. Yet, I know I did the right thing.

My daughter thought that because I threatened and procrastinated, we would never get rid of our pooches. She failed to realize this was an opportunity to further prove that they could handle the responsibility of owning a pet.  Pets are not objects who exist for your own pleasure. They need more than love to survive. My brother made an excellent point, if we as parents failed to meet our childrens' needs, they can call child protective services to intervene on their behalf. Our dogs don't have that ability so I had to make a call on their behalf.

So Cinnamon and Spike this post is dedicated to you. We had had some great times, good laughs, and lots of memories. I wish you the best in your new family situation. I hope that your new owners are kind and considerate and never forget to feed you or give you water. I hope they walk you and expose you to new things. The Thorpe family loves you always. Parting is such sweet sorrow.  Parents have to make tough decisions and stick to them. That said, we close his chapter of our lives. Till next time, pray for my family. Drama, drama, drama!! There is always fallout from every decision. Ciao!

Copyright by Pamela Cole Thorpe on October 9, 2010.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Rules

Hey! I am not on top of my blogging game this week(got plenty on my mind, just haven't typed it all out) but my girl Dorna was. She had some things on her mind. So I present you with a guest blog. Dorna, like myself, welcomes feedback. Let us know what you think!

Rules



I have had several conversations with my boyfriend about what he feels is my disdain of following rules. According to him, I don’t follow rules or totally disregard them if I don’t like them. Unfortunately, he is not the only one of that opinion about me. Recently, I asked my boss what the protocol was for a certain method of communication and his response to me was, “Oh, now you want to follow the rules!!” So, I’ve been giving some reflection as to why the perception prevails (because it’s most certainly not true!!) Here are some of the thoughts that have come to me: 1). Most rules are short sighted; rule makers don’t always consider future possibilities. 2) The rule makers aren’t always the correct (or brightest for that matter) people to make the rules. 3) A lot of the time rules are too absolute; other than the 10 commandments, I’m not sure why I would follow everything to the letter. 4) A lot of rules are just plain stupid; but that goes back to my theory there are way more stupid people in the world than smart; therefore rule makers are stupid!!


One definition of Merriam-Webster’s definition of a rule is “a prescribed guide for conduct or action”. Another one is “an accepted procedure, custom, or habit” and finally, “the exercise of authority or control”. Now I realize that rules are part of everything we do in life otherwise we would have anarchy and chaos. So, I understand the need for rules but they should really be more guidelines allowing some flexibility. The more I pondered on this “rules thing”, I also realized most people don’t think rules should not be challenged!! I think that is probably my issue more than anything. For those who know me, things have to make some sort of sense to ME and if it doesn’t questions will be raised. The answer, “that’s the rule” is just not sufficient for me!! And that’s usually because the explanation has no basis in sound thinking, not my concern or it’s just plain stupid!! I often find myself asking someone when I’m challenging a rule/guideline/process “Does that make sense to you?” (What I’m actually thinking, “Seriously who came up with this crap?”) or “I’m the first person to have issue with this? These questions generally result in the “huh” look or “Ma’am you’re the only one who’s ever had an issue with this” or “Look lady (witch), you’ll have to take this up with someone else” (translate: get out of my face!) or “No, but that’s the rule”. These answers frustrate me to no end!


So, what I’ve determined is the majority of people will do as told without question. Going back to Merriam-Webster’s definition, rules are “accepted custom” (by the majority) to”exercise control” (by the rule makers). But here’s the thing, I use my “prescribed for conduct or action” based on my experience or what makes sense to ME!! I don’t necessarily know the rules because I don’t think like the rule makers and I’m never the rule maker (except in my home). I go blithely through life being Dorna and then BAM…I run into “the rules”. Rules not made by me or had my input. Rules made for those who don’t always want to think. Rules that don’t necessarily make sense to anyone other than the rule maker!

As a result of all this reflection, I submit I’m not a rule breaker but a rule challenger !! I invite everyone to question the rules also. Don’t always go with the flow, because crap flows downhill!!


As Pam says…be a blessing!!

Copyright October7, 2010 by Pamela Cole Thorpe