Glue has a couple of definitions. The definition that I am going to utilize for the purpose of this blog is "something that binds things together." Been thinking a lot about that lately. Here is why. Years ago, I had a friend tell me that I was the glue that bound a particular group of friends together. The group consisted mainly of college buddies who each have distinctive personalities. Well honestly, I resented the observation and thought it was far from the truth. Then my life underwent a series of unplanned events and my family moved away. Long story short, she was right.
I have reflected often on that observation. I wondered what it meant for them and how it boded for me. I have continued to undergo quite a bit of change and as time would have it, our family is much closer to those same people once again and I guess everyone thought I should fall back into my role of making things happen. Well, hello! I ain't the same person and I didn't exactly pick right up where I left off. First off, I am kinda disappointed with the group. They made half hearted effort to maintain a level of closeness. No more cookouts, get togethers or things of that nature. I was in Albany, GA and could see the changes quite clearly.
Second, my season has changed. Yes, I am a "relationship person" but even we need to be poured into sometimes. You don't know how draining being the glue is till you get to step out of that role for a while. It doesn't mean you don't desire that closeness, but you simply don't have the fortitude to maintain it or put it in place.
So why a blog about it? Well, partly because of a conversation where one of the individuals questioned my lack off enthusiasm for the aforementioned group of people. She thought I was distant and negative. What I really was was matter of fact. Number one, friendships(and really all relationships) require action from all involved parties. If it is valuable to you, you pursue it. God pursues us. Men are supposed to pursue women. It is just the nature of things. If those "friendships" were meant to survive, they should've done so in my absence. Phone calls work both ways. In this day of overwhelming technology, you can take the trifling way out and use Facebook or Twitter, you can send a text via cell phone or an e-mail. There is no reasonable excuse about why you can't connect with someone on a real or superficial level. Two, just because hospitality is your gift, doesn't mean you always want to entertain and host. Every once and awhile, you want to be an invited guest. No worry of cleaning your house and having the essential(and non essential but often forgotten) items on hand. Finally, there just might be more pressing issues in your life and you just can't be all things to all people. perhaps, you have changed or your circumstances have changed. Or maybe you are just too exhausted to pull things together for other people. It is a daunting task and yep it is exhausting.
So who are you in your relationships? Are you the glue that binds things or are you one who needs to be drawn in? In any relationship, roles should change constantly. You need balance because relationships need give and take as we go through the ebb and flow of life. I am a people person and I used to be the glue. I think God definetely moved me out of that position for various reasons. I am still a people person but I realize that I sometimes need to be drawn in and held accountable too. I love to entertain but this year we have consciously done very little of it. I miss the fellowship it offered but I see that no one else is filling that void either. Now I am not saying that conversations about getting together aren't being had, they are. I have been involved in some of them. No one has stepped up to the plate. I see a pattern-the conversations happen but not action is taken. So it sounds good, but no can do. I often feel bad but not motivated to set up something concrete. So tell me what you think. Am I wrong for that? I don't know. I can tell you that I feel quite liberated not to be the one trying to hold things together. It is just where I am right now in my life...and I feel good about it. Till next time, pray hard and be a blessing! Peace!
Copyright August 30, 2010 by Pamela Cole Thorpe
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Yes, yes, yes...I have someone that I have not spoken to in a while. Not b/c of any issues we have but just because thigns change, people change, whatever. She said to me "you never call me anymore" and I told her as a matter of factly "is your hand broke or you lost your phone??" I have just as many things as the next person and for me, I am the one who pretty much held everything togehter so when things get badfor ME, there is no one to pull me back together so hence everyone thinking I have to be the one to make the first move in anything.
ReplyDeleteWell, much to their disappointment, or maybe not, I have changed also and I guess our seasons like you said are just over. And that's okay as far as I am concerned. God has a way of making things work out just fine for all involved.
Love you post and you!!
Pam, In May of this year I became ill at work to the point of having to drive to the ER. after a battery of test I was diagnosed w/a marbled sized cyst in the 3rd ventrical of my brain. Fast forward to earlier this month became ill again & was sent to a neurologist for diagnosis of symptoms. He ruled out the MS & after veiwing my MRI, suggested a 2nd opinion for the brain malady. Recommended a doctor who he remarked "was one of the best". Patients need to have medical records, demographics, insurance and MRI sent for inspection then a determination is made if the doctor will f/u. I complied & was called a time to visit (was concerned that an appt. was maybe not a good thing). Went to the appt. was seen by a resident and then the neurosurgeon who came in and stated, " I'll make it short and simple", "indeed you have a growth in your brain however I am unable to classify what it is, go TODAY and get a more complete MRI and come back to me w/in a week and we'll discuss what it is & what if any action we'll take". Too late for me to say to make a long story short, so please bear w/me, there is a relative point..Although the visit was very brief, I felt I'd landed in the right spot. The neurosurgeon had a great bedside manner and being of French descent was definitely easy on the eyes ;p Anyhoo- computer issues prevented the recptionsit from scheduling the MRI the same day, she said she would call me the next day for the time to show up. The next day I did get a call from her as promised however, she informed me I would need to get my blood checked before under going the MRI to ensure my kidneys are functioning properly. Complied w/that too. Will have the comprehensive MRI done on the 7th and a f/u consultation w/the dr. on the 13th for prognosis. Pam you know the size of my family, both immediate and extended. When I received the initial diagnosis in the ER, I was alone, at the neurologist office when told to get a 2nd neurosurgeon opinion, I was alone, when I went for the consultation and told to get a MRI the same day, again I was alone.
ReplyDeleteAs a single woman I am somewhat accustomed to facing big issues alone however the nuturing part of me that gives emotional/spiritual/comedic support to others, felt hurt and abandonded. Not wanting to compound anxiety, I prayed and did the thing that was 2nd nature to me, I ignored it and stuffed it away. At times I was afraid & wanted to talk, it was discouraged, I was told by my "support system" to "just pretend that you are ok b/c I cannot handle it", and "oh God!, I cannot have a conversation w/you about dying, it is too upsetting" and "girl, it's all in your head" Yeah, literally! I thought. Even in my pain and need to be heard & comforted I went into protection mode and stopped talking to protect the feelings of others. To God I cry and ask what about me? Who will hear me, who'll lend a ear & encourage me? Today I can tell you that I don't know WHO the "who's" will be however, I do know God will provide me a ram in the bush. He did so today and it was the encouragement I when I needed it as I walked around sick, dizzy and in pain to the point of tears. Pam, I guess what I am saying is just like you I would spring into action w/out forethought to become the thing needed to usher others into reasonable wholeness, comfort & to create a community, like you also, I find my actions are not reciprocated..unlike you however,I have not reached the level of peace you have attained in walking away. There is much to be said for not only knowing where the lines are but in having the wisdom & courage to stike a delicate balance. God bless you as you conutine to be a source of light to those drawn to you for a reason, a season or for life. I am glad we are friends who understand one another, who love one another.. God's peace! -C.
Danette and Cindy, thanks for your honesty. I am praying earnestly for you both. Yes, sometimes the glue needs to be helad together. too. Hoping God gives all of us peace in this season and does provide the "ram in the Bush." for whatever it is we need. Love you both!
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ReplyDeleteYou are so on point with this blog. People in general don't like change, but they really don't like change when it involves their perception of their friendships and relationships.
Friendships/relationships go through phases and seasons. Depending on why the person came into your life it may be a forever time or a short while. I think one of the reasons some of them are for a short while is because the people in them aren't willing to grow or allow for the fact that people should become different and EXPAND their selves and lives.
I too have suffered from the be many things for all people to find those same people don't necessarily appreciate that is what I've been for them and others. It hurts especially when you are in need and you don't have the strength (and sometimes lack of pride) to get the attention as you would automatically give to others. Sometimes it makes you realize the complete selfnish of some and give you a wake up call on where that friendship/relationship should go. Other times, it's an opportunity to test the mettle of the friendship and yourself.
In short, I'm glad that you, as well as myself, are doing more for Pam!! Pam deserves people who pour into her, without you asking, and rejuvenute her spirit too. Because angels get tired too! :-)
Love ya!